Here’s what the gun fetishists sound like to sane, patriotic* Americans:
“Gawdammit, I’m not some maniac! I just loves guns! But I ain’t a gonna shoot nobody!
“You damn crybabies. Yeah, it sucks that a bunch a people got shot up with an AR-15. Again. But I ain’t a gonna shoot up a school with my AR-15! The gun is just an inanimate object. Only when some psycho gets one and starts mowing down kids in a school hallway, y’all start wanting to take away my gun!
“Have you ever shot one? They’re frickin’ cool, dude! You can, like, make watermelons explode at 300 yards in rapid, three-shot bursts ten times without having to reload! Dude, the one I got has the bitchinest attachments and it’s so light and never jams. Totally awesome! Look at this centerfold here in ‘Kick-Ass Guns.’ Aw, Christ, I want one of those so bad! Ungg, I bet that baby has a hell of kick, whooee!
“‘Assault weapon?!?’ That’s bullshit, man. The AR is just a civilian semi-automatic version of the weapon soldiers use on the battlefield because it can make enemies’ organs explode at 300 yards in rapid three-shot bursts, has bitchin’ attachments, and is light and rarely jams. You can’t take it away from me just because some psycho used one to massacre a bunch of kids.
“It’s my gawdamn right! It’s in the Constitution and you don’t take away people’s rights just because a bunch of kids died. Y’know, if some psycho wants to kill a bunch of kids, he’ll find a way to do it. Didja see that Chinese guy who killed 38 people with knives? Huh? It was a group of guys and it happened four years ago? Well, see? They can use knives, you know, so why would you want to ban guns?
“What about trucks, like that guy who ran down a bunch of people with a truck? You can’t stop psychos. They could just use a bomb. Or a fire or some acid, so why would you want to ban their guns? If you go and take away everybody’s AR-15s, they’ll just get some AR-15s that are going to be far more expensive by working hard to track down some shady criminal on the black market instead of buying one cheaply and easily at numerous gun shows. Criminals don’t follow laws.
“Criminals don’t care how they kill a whole bunch of kids efficiently! That doesn’t mean you take away the Second Amendment for the majority of us law-abiding gun owners! Those law-abiding gun owners who shoot up schools and churches and nightclubs and concerts and theaters and restaurants aren’t ‘law-abiding’ once they pull that trigger and slaughter innocent people – they’re criminals!
“The Second Amendment is the only one that protects all the others. When the Founding Fathers wrote the Constitution, they wanted the people to have the same guns that the government had! Four years before he personally marched the Army in to quell an armed uprising, George Washington himself said that people should be armed in case they have to fight their tyrannical government!
“Yes, George Washington was only using muskets at the time, but the Founders writing the Constitution knew that times would change and we’d live in dense metropolises where civilians can keep and bear arms that could mow down a line of redcoats in thirty seconds without reloading. They wanted us to have the same weapons that the militia had.
“If we didn’t have our semi-automatic weapons, the fascist government whose militia has tanks, drones, and nukes would march us into concentration camps. Just look at what happens in every country in the world with functioning democracy and capitalist economy when citizens don’t have the right to keep and bear arms!
“Besides, we don’t need any new gun laws. We already have super strict gun laws if you go to a licensed gun shop and not some private seller at a gun show. We just need to enforce the laws that are on the books, like getting more timely reporting of red flags into the national background check database that really isn’t a database, because we forced them to pass laws that say the government can’t use computers and all gun paperwork is literal paper work. Unless that red flag is being on the terrorist ‘no-fly’ watch list, because the tyrannical government might accidentally put a law-abiding gun owner on that list by mistake and he wouldn’t be able to get an AR-15.
“What we really need is greater emphasis on mental health. We need to identify who these people are who are so far out of their minds that they think they have to have a gun to fight back against the evil authority figures in society that are conspiring to get them.
“See, liberals just want to use a dozen or more dead kids torn apart by semi-automatic rifle fire in some school as an excuse to take away our liberties. That’s the first step in bringing about the global New World Order, and that’s why we untrained civilians have to have our AR-15s to fight against a worldwide socialist conspiracy so immense it involves the richest, most powerful leaders who control all the resources and militaries of the nations of the earth!
“It’s my right to own a civilian version of a military weapon and amass all the ammunition I choose to defend myself and my family against a situation where I may be facing a platoon of hostile adversaries who are 300 yards away that I need to kill as swiftly as possible without reloading.
“But gawdammit, I just loves guns! I’m not some maniac!”
Sure, you’re not.
* Yes, dammit, “patriotic.” I’m reclaiming the mantle of patriotism for the gun control side. Fuck you and your chest beating over 1/27th of the Amendments to the Constitution, the entire basis of which is to “establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity.” If the 2nd Amendment as interpreted is corrupting Justice, destroying domestic Tranquility, threatening the common defence, degrading the general Welfare, and denying the Blessings of Liberty, it’s time to reinterpret it, and there’s nothing unconstitutional about redefining “arms.”