Whenever I watch Chimpy giving a speech on television, I like to play a little drinking game*. I’m sure he’d understand, what with all the drinking games he’s played in his life (pretzel, anyone?). It also makes me better able to understand his strange diction. (Is it just me, or do y’all hear his wordsh shometimes shounding a little boozy?)

The rules of the game are pretty simple. Whenever Shrub says “9/11” or “September 11th”, it’s time to do a shot. For “Global War on Terror”, it’s time to chug a beer. It’s a fun game, because after his 96 words of introduction and thanks to the carefully crafted and shamelessly-exploited backdrop assembled soldiers from Fort Bragg, he’s not ten words into the opening sentence of his opening paragraph before I’m downing a shot of 100-proof Southern Comfort and chugging a Hefeweizen…

The troops here and across the world are fighting a global war on terror. The war reached our shores on September the 11th, 2001. The terrorists who attacked us — and the terrorists we face — murder in the name of a totalitarian ideology that hates freedom, rejects tolerance, and despises all dissent. Their aim is to remake the Middle East in their own grim image of tyranny and oppression — by toppling governments, by driving us out of the region, and by exporting terror.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to chug a beer while repressing the audible guffaw elicited from such unintended irony of Bush decrying ideologies that “reject tolerance”, “despise dissent”, and aim for “toppling governments”, but it ain’t easy.

And of course, terr’ists are terr’ists. Extremists who hijacked airplanes and flew them into buildings are exactly the same people who fight back against an occupying force in their own country. Osama = Saddam. Iraq = al Qaeda. I believe they are called “they”, as in “they hate us for our freedoms”.

By the end of the show, I’d quaffed five shots of bourbon (and took a sip for each glancing reference to 9/11, like “Many terrorists who kill …[in]… Baghdad are followers of the same murderous ideology that took the lives of our citizens in New York, in Washington, and Pennsylvania.”) and four beers. It’s a miracle I can even type today.

My inebriation lowered my inhibitions enough to resort to shouting at the TV when I heard this:

Hear the words of Osama Bin Laden: “This Third World War is raging” in Iraq. “The whole world is watching this war.” He says it will end in “victory and glory, or misery and humiliation.”

I wouldn’t have to hear ANY of the words of Osama bin Laden if the mutherfocker wasn’t running around free for four years!

Now as I recover, I’m left more questions than answers. Maybe you are, too:

General John Vines… said: “We either deal with terrorism and this extremism abroad, or we deal with it when it comes to us.”

Why is this an either/or proposition? Terrorists struck (as you said) in “Madrid, Istanbul, Jakarta, Casablanca, Riyadh, Bali, and elsewhere” even after we invaded Iraq. Seems like they can still perform international operations even as we engage “them” in Iraq. My non-existent-Supreme-deity-forbid that we suffer another domestic terrorist attack again, but if we do (and Chimpy’s lack of attention to securing ports, chemical plants, cargo holds, etc., make that a realistic possibility), what does that mean for the Iraq-as-terrorist-flypaper doctrine?

These are savage acts of violence, but they have not brought the terrorists any closer to achieving their strategic objectives.

1. The terrorists — both foreign and Iraqi — failed to stop the transfer of sovereignty.
2. They failed to break our Coalition and force a mass withdrawal by our allies.
3. They failed to incite an Iraqi civil war.
4. And they failed to stop Iraqis from signing up in large number with the police forces and the army to defend their new democracy.

1. Ah yes, the sovereignty of an occupying force in control of your country.
2. If by “failed to break” you mean that only 18 of 35 countries have withdrawn or are soon to withdraw their troops. (And when your second-largest contingent of forces are 20,000 mercenaries, that “coalition of the willing” label doesn’t stick.)
3. …yet. But at least 30-60 civilian deaths from car bombings per day isn’t a “civil war”.
4. But they’re pretty good at blowing them up while they stand in line.

Today Iraq has more than 160,000 security forces trained and equipped for a variety of missions…. Today Iraqi Security Forces are at different levels of readiness. Some are capable of taking on the terrorists and insurgents by themselves. A larger number can plan and execute anti-terrorist operations with Coalition support. The rest are forming and not yet ready to participate fully in security operations.

You’ve got an exact number of 160,000 for us, but you follow it up with “some”, “a larger number”, and “the rest”? Gee, hypothetically speaking, if “some” was 100, then 200 would be “a larger number”, and “the rest” would be 159,700, right? This is why your approval ratings are sinking, Arbusto; we want details, not platitudes.

I recognize that Americans want our troops to come home as quickly as possible. So do I. Some contend that we should set a deadline for withdrawing U.S. forces. Let me explain why that would be a serious mistake. Setting an artificial timetable would send the wrong message to the Iraqis – who need to know that America will not leave before the job is done. It would send the wrong message to our troops – who need to know that we are serious about completing the mission they are risking their lives to achieve. And it would send the wrong message to the enemy – who would know that all they have to do is to wait us out. We will stay in Iraq as long as we are needed – and not a day longer.

I don’t even need firm deadlines, Chief, how about just something more substantial than “we’ll leave when we leave?” How about “when X happens, we’ll withdraw 10,000 troops. When Y happens, we’ll withdraw 20,000 more.” These vague references to “when the job is done” is part of what has us all on edge, Dubya! We need to know whether we need to start setting up our kindergartners’ savings accounts for body armor now.

Besides, this “wrong message” crap is ridiculous. What else does the enemy have to do except wait us out? We’re in their country! So, what, if we say we’re pulling out in two years, al-Zarqawi says, “good news, we only need to fight the infidel for two more years!”, but if we say we’re staying “til the job is done”, al-Zarqawi says, “well, we’d better give up, my brothers, the infidels are here for good.”

As Iraqis make progress toward a free society, the effects are being felt beyond Iraq’s borders. Before our Coalition liberated Iraq, Libya was secretly pursuing nuclear weapons. Today the leader of Libya has given up his chemical and nuclear weapons programs. Across the broader Middle East, people are claiming their freedom. In the last few months, we have witnessed elections in the Palestinian Territories and Lebanon. These elections are inspiring democratic reformers in places like Egypt and Saudi Arabia. Our strategy to defend ourselves and spread freedom is working. The rise of freedom in this vital region will eliminate the conditions that feed radicalism and ideologies of murder – and make our Nation safer.

At this point I snuck in an extra shot to toast the “reverse Domino Theory” reference. I also marveled at how our illegal invasion of Iraq contributed to the death by natural causes of Yassir Arafat and the assassination of Rafik al-Hariri, the acts which led to the elections in Palestine and Lebanon. And that democracy in Egypt and Saudi Arabia is going soooo well.

It’s a good thing Bush doesn’t give too many of these speeches, because I’m too old to keep drinking like this. I wobbled back to my couch for the grande finalé.

I thank those of you who have re-enlisted in an hour when your country needs you. And to those watching tonight who are considering a military career, there is no higher calling than service in our Armed Forces. We live in freedom because every generation has produced patriots willing to serve a cause greater than themselves.

That’s why I have personally urged the new leader of the College Republicans to disband his organization and encourage all of its members to enlist in the military today. Those brave men and women will be joining my own daughters, Jenna and Not-Jenna, in taking their rightful place among the greatest generations that have worn our Nation’s uniform.

I was pretty drunk. I may have been hallucinating during that last part.

* Not really. I don’t actually drink much; I prefer natural, non-toxic intoxicants. Alcohol is really bad for you.