A friend of mine asked me if I was old enough to run for president. As a matter of fact, I turned 35 this year, so I am legally entitled to run for president. Maybe I can set the record for shortest presidential campaign ever. We can form the Radical Party! I’ll set forth my agenda below (it’s pretty long, but there’s a few surprises in there) and we can use this forum as our convention.

(The minute the Religious Wrong gets a hold of my platform, it’s all over. I mean, they vilified the most successful president of the past fifty years for getting a hummer from an intern, can you imagine what they’ll do to a candidate who…)

Willingly admits to being an Atheist, using drugs, and has had bouts of kinky group sex in the past (then again, Arnold is doing OK), and would legalize prostitution and any other sexual acts performed by one or more willing adults. Why is selling OK, and sex OK, but selling sex is not OK? And who cares who puts what inside of whom and how… Except for the “whom”, I suppose?

Would legalize pot (you could buy it in packs at a convenience store like cigs) and decriminalize hard drugs (junkies could get a fix at heavily regulated sites) and pardon all those convicted of non-violent drug-possession crimes.

Tax churches that gain any benefit from the public — for example, those that broadcast over the FCC-regulated airwaves, or those that espouse any political agenda. You wanna stick to the God-talk, you’re tax free, but the minute you start playing in the secular pool, you get to pay the secular bills.

Create federal recognition of same-sex partnerships — hell, I’d make a “family license”, which would be similar to the legal recognition of marriage, but open to gays, lesbians, polygamists — basically, if you want to declare your contractual support and shared responsibility for one or more other adults, I’m willing to grant government recognition and tax breaks.

Create federal regulations that forbid the awarding of government contracts to offshore businesses. You want taxpayer dollars, you need to pay your fair share of taxes. Meanwhile, create tax incentives for companies to keep their jobs on American soil.

Push for a constitutional amendment that spells out a citizen’s right to privacy and self-governance. This will settle abortion, telemarketing, euthanasia, stalking, and paparazzi in one easy stroke of a pen.

Modify our tax code so that the primary burden of taxation is placed on wealth (capital gains, estate taxes) and not on work (payroll, income), raise the minimum wage from its absurd $5.15, and create a world where two full-time working parents don’t have to live paycheck to paycheck. However, I would structure the tax code to penalize those who have more than two children. Don’t be a life hog! Maybe our classrooms wouldn’t be so overcrowded if Mary Catherine Catholic and Heather Mormon weren’t dropping nine kids each.

Push for another amendment to balance the federal budget. And part of that amendment will be some structures for how the money should be spent. For example, no new weapons programs until public school roofs don’t leak. No new space shuttles until we can get classes down to 12 kids per teacher.

Lower the drinking age to 18. Hell, if you can pick a president and fight in a war, you deserve a beer (it makes both much easier)! On the other hand, I would severely raise the punishments for crimes committed while drunk, stoned, or otherwise impaired. You have the right to get messed up, but if it interferes with others’ rights, you’re going to jail.

Require the registration of all firearms. You should be able to buy as many guns of whatever type after a waiting period and a background check, but you should also have to pass a safety test and a shooting test. We require as much for automobiles, because the reckless use of speedy two-ton metal objects could hurt someone. So why not regulate really speedy small metal objects (bullets) too?

Speaking of cars, I’d require yearly written and drivers tests, too. We’re crazy here in Oregon; we let you have a license for eight years! I think everyone should have to prove their competency yearly… You hear that, 85-year-old Asian driver going 32 in the 45 zone with your perpetually-blinking left turn signal?

Congressmen and Senators will lose their sweetheart pensions and be forced to take the same Social Security we all get. Wanna bet it gets fixed really quickly then? Furthermore, a Congressman or Senator’s salary shall be equal to three times what the poorest teacher in their district is paid.

Repeal the amendment that only lets a president serve two terms. Replace it with a rule that restricts him from serving more than two terms in succession. Really, after these last few years of Bush, it makes you want to have Clinton back. Why should he be punished because people got sick of FDR sixty years ago?

Push for another amendment similar to ERA that prohibits discrimination on the basis of height, weight, hairiness, jewelry, gender, sexual orientation, religion, race, color, or creed. Except for the Swiss, screw the Swiss!

However, I would invalidate the laws regarding hate crimes (surprise!) Assault, murder, and vandalism are all crimes, they should be severely punished whether the criminal and victim like each other or not. I mean really, should I be punished more for painting a swastika on a synagogue versus a happy face? Should a burning cross on a lawn get more punishment than a burning “H”? Should the guy who tied Mathew Shepard to a fence in Wyoming get less punishment if Shepard were straight? Should the guys who dragged a guy to death behind a pickup in Texas get less punishment if their victim was white?

The last one dovetails in to my initiative to create much higher penalties for violence in our society. If you initiate violence, you should go to jail, period. It blows my mind to know that pot smokers are serving longer sentences than rapists and murderers. Something as simple as punching a guy in the nose should merit at least six months in jail. There should be no tolerance of violence.

Create a national sales tax of 1%, but only on non-food, non-prescription, and certain other items. Use this tax solely to fund domestic initiatives for education and the poor.

Require the nation to get serious about ending dependence on foreign oil. Increase mandatory fuel efficiency to 35MPG. Create serious incentives to develop non-polluting means of energy. Reinvest in mass transit.

Allow gambling everywhere, but tax its profits at 25%. If gambling can create a pyramid in Vegas, imagine what it could do for a grade school in Kuna!

Require a two-year term of public service from all citizens (surprise #2!) This can be military service, but Americorps, becoming a teacher, cop, fireman, social worker, doctor, or nurse, or other domestic public service could also count. On the flip side, I would abolish Selective Service registration – no war should ever be fought with slave labor. If you can’t get enough people to volunteer for your war, maybe your war is not just.

Provide free basic health care to every American. There’s just no excuse for this not to happen. Part of this could be paid for by taxing luxury health care – Botox, liposuction, face lifts, breast implants… No wait, breast reductions. Breast implants should earn tax deductions. I call for bigger boobs for all Americans that want them!

That’s my platform. Vote Radical Party for some radical change! Vote for privacy, health care, and end to violence and poverty, and a beginning to an enlightened America!

(Paid for by the Citizens to get Russ a high-paying cushy government job)

    ____________________________________________________________________

   |                                                                    

_  | "RADICAL" RUSS BELVILLE | Read More at http://radicalruss.net/blog/

  | Portland, Oregon U.S.A. | Permission is granted for reprint of this

  | © 2003 by Russ Belville | post, as long as this footer is included.