I sent an email to my list of high school buddies. It was all about the political stuff I usually write about. One of my friends replied with:

> no, no, no, dont vote kerry

> write in russ belville

So I had to reply with…

Eek! No, don’t for the love of my non-existent-Supreme-Deity write in my name! Well, unless you’re voting in Idaho. You could vote for a gerbil for all I care. Dumbya’s gonna win Idunno even if he’s found getting a hummer in the Oval Office from Saddam Hussein himself. And then the Rush/Hannity/Coulter tribe would defend it, saying it’s different from Monica because George was just probing him for Weapons of Mass Destruction. You can have those four electoral votes, Mr. Bush.

I could never be a politician. #1, I’d never survive the vetting process. “Mr. Belville,” they’d ask, “is it true that in 1994 you participated in a methamphetamine-fueled bi-sexual orgy on an American flag while watching illegal underage bestial pornography on a stolen VCR and television set?” And I would defiantly turn to the committee and steadfastly assert, “Mr. Chairman, I am absolutely outraged at the charges brandished by the Republican senator from Iowa! As we are all aware, an orgy is sexual episode defined as six or more people with plural members of both genders who swap partners. There were only five people present, and I resent the senator’s implication that it was an orgy! Mr. Chairman, it was only a SMO — a small-mass orgy. And all the dogs in that video were at least three-years-old, which makes them twenty-one in human-years!”

#2, I can’t stand to beg people for money. However, if I win Powerball, maybe I’ll put up my own money and run. Or if you’d like to start the “Radical” Russ for President fundraisers, go right ahead, but I’m not going to attend them. My platform will be “Vote for “Radical” Russ… That’ll Show ‘Em!”

#3, Don’t they drug-test for federal offices? I’m not taking any drug test unless it’s multiple choice (An eight-ball is? A-the black orb in billiards, B-what Bush uses to dictate policy, C-1/8th ounce of cocaine, D-not enough cocaine). Or maybe one of those SAT analogy-type tests (Cheetos are to marijuana as glow-sticks are to?). Or how about true-false (True or False: The government wants you to stop doing drugs. OK, that’s a trick question, brought to you by Pfizer, GlaxoWellcome, Anheuser-Busch, Phillip Morris, Eli Lilly, BristolMeyersSquibb…)

#4, I don’t fit into any nice clean party platforms. I’m a card-carrying member of the ACLU who also supports gun rights. (Not the NRA, though. There’s a difference.) I’m absolutely pro-choice but I support doctors and hospitals that refuse the procedure. I’m completely for affirmative action and gay rights, but I despise points-systems*, racial quotas, and hate crime laws. (What a redundancy that term is!) I truly love racial and ethnic minorities and I welcome immigrants to this country, but I also support English-only legislation. (Besides, I think that would open up a great entrepreneurial opportunity to some immigrants to provide document translation services.) Sure, I’m mostly a Democrat, but as much as it pains me to admit it, sometimes I agree with Repugnicans.

*Like where a kid gets an extra 10 points on his college admission for being black. How insulting is that, both to the black kid and the white kid. However, if there’s a natural tie between the two kids, I think the black kid should get preference. We could call it the “tie goes to the negro” system.

#5, I’m an unapologetic atheist who thinks religion is silly at best and dangerous at worst. I think churches should be taxed and that the word “God” should be stricken from ANYTHING printed or said by the government. I’m all for the fellowship, charity, singing, bake sales, and love that church provides for people. It’s when they start getting into that One True God stuff that makes me think of the villagers chasing Frankenstein with their pitchforks.

#6, I don’t believe the children are our future. I think the future adults are our future. The children are obese, spoiled, stupid, misbehaving, germ-ridden, loud, obnoxious pains-in-the-ass. Except your kids. I love your kids. I don’t support child abuse, but I think many of these little hellions could use a good smack on the ass. All I know is that if behaved in a restaurant or grocery store like these brats today, I would have met Mr. Belt when dad got home.

#7, Not only do I believe in a minimum wage, I believe there should be a maximum wage. For example, no person is allowed to earn more than 500-times the minimum wage. The rest goes into the treasury. I don’t think that position is going to endear me to any big-money donors.

There’s probably a whole bunch more reasons. But I appreciate the compliment.

“Radical” Russ — by the way, 80% of #1 was exaggeration for comedic effect…

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