Entertainment — TwinCities.com
Damn! Damn damn damn! Mitch Hedberg was one of my favorite up-and-coming young comedians. Age 37, just like me (almost exactly, I’m 25 days older.) This hurts me so much more than that other death today. Hedberg was so damn funny — kind of a mix of Steven Wright deadpan humor and Cheech & Chong counterculture silliness. In case you missed him, check him out on Comedy Central sometime. Or just imagine these lines coming from a laid-back guy with long hair and amber Aviator shades:
I tried walking into a Target, but I missed.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for ME.
I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said “I hear music.” As though there’s any other way to take it in. You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too…I tried to taste it, but it did not work.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. “Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide.”
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said. “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here’s a picture of me when I’m older. How’d you pull that off? Let me see that camera.
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut…I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut – I’ll just give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut…Some skeptical friend, don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here…oh wait it’s back home in the file…under “D”, for doughnut.
You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that’s how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn, they should call every other version corn off the cob. It’s not like if you cut off my arm you would call it Mitch. Then reattach it and call me Mitch-all-together…
I like swiss cheese. It’s the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify.
My friend said to me, “You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.” I was like, “Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you’re going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.”
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?
I type at 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see a escalator temporarily outta order sign, just escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience… we appologize for the fact that you can still get up there.
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said “Certainly.” He said “Do I need to dial 9?” I say “Yeah. Especially if it’s in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.”
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. “Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.”
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I would say, “Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough”
Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin ’round and round. I can’t do a back flip, much less several…simultaneously with two other guys.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus… one of those two doesn’t sound right.
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say “Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two.” And if no one answers they’ll say their name again. “Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two.” But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this – people are missing. You fuckers are selfish….the Dufresnes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufresnes.
