I see that Faux News Channel’s Faux & Friends had esteemed* medium** John Edward on to discuss the Terri Schiavo case. According to Edward, whose psychic abilities failed to predict the cancellation of his TV show, Terri is “clear on what’s going — and I can tell you that she’s definitely clear on what’s happening now around her.”
Well, now we here at Radical Writ are convinced! We have obtained an exclusive*** transcript of the actual psychic interview By Edward that lead to this stunning discovery of Terri’s clarity.
JOHN EDWARD: I’m sensing hunger, some thirst… lots of confusion… there’s a word that keeps appearing…
TERRI SCHIAVO:
EDWARD: Something with a “J”… possibly a name… or a place… “J-“… “J-“…
SCHIAVO:
EDWARD: Something like “Jamaica”… or “Jamaican”…
SCHIAVO:
EDWARD: Terri, have you ever been to Jamaica?
SCHIAVO:
EDWARD: “Jamaica”… “Jamaican”… “Jamaican Jerk Chicken!” You’re hungry for some Jamiacan Jerk Chicken!
SCHIAVO:
EDWARD: No, that’s not quite it… But the “J” is really strong… “Jerk Chicken”…
SCHIAVO: (her head tilts slightly to the left)
EDWARD: Yes! And I’m also sensing something else… insects… something about insects… always bugging you… bugs… Terri, what significance is there to bugs or insects?
SCHIAVO: (her eyes roll slightly to the right)
EDWARD: No, it’s something to get rid of the bugs, isn’t it?… Deet? Is it Deet?
SCHIAVO: (her eyes roll back to the left)
EDWARD: Something like Deet? “Off”? Is it “Off”?
SCHIAVO:
EDWARD: Hmm… “Jerk Chicken”… “Off”… “Jerk Off!” Is that it Terri? “Jerk off?”
“RADICAL” RUSS: No, asshole, that’s you. You’re a jerk-off. Get the fuck out of this woman’s room, get the hell off my TV set, and take your manipulative, self-serving, ghoulish act back to the midway with the palm readers and the crystal sellers and the tarot readers where it belongs. Better yet, put yourself into a persistent vegetative state and prove to us that you can communicate “from beyond”. That way, maybe a few gullible grief-stricken people deprived of your “services” can save a few bucks and you won’t fuck up an already fucked up national dialogue over the right to die by spewing ridiculous paranormal assertions all over the airwaves.
*by esteemed we mean “has done a good enough job fooling just enough people to be a F-list celebrity and not instead been exposed as the foolish charlatan he is and run out of town by pitchfork-wielding townsfolk.”
**by medium we mean “performer of body language recognition parlor tricks and statistically broad suggestion techniques and not instead a seer into the future and reader of psychic energies, both of which are scientifically improbable and experimentally disproven.”
***by exclusive we mean that we made the shit up.
