I was browsing through Wired.com when I hit upon this blog from a Christian fellow who is pledging to remain masturbation-free for forty days, likening his travails to Satan’s temptation of Christ for 40 days. Or some such BS. So I just had to post the following comment…
Not masturbating for forty days? Well, I guess it’s no sillier than any other sort of fast or spiritual cleansing. As an atheist, I’m really curious about why the Lord God of All Creation Who Formed Time and Space™ really cares whether or not you’re waxing the dolphin on a regular basis. You’d think there’d be an important supernova or birth of a new life form to attend to rather than your spankulatory habits. But then, God works in mysterious ways.
On a serious note, what exactly is it about masturbation that is impure? Is it:
- that you’re using your tool in a way God didn’t intend?
- that you’re receiving feelings of pleasure without the possible side-effect of impregnating a woman and creating more tithe-producing Christians?
- that you’re thinking naughty lustful thoughts while you flog the bishop?
- or that you’re spending more time with yourself and less time reading the Bible?
If it’s #1, then why did the Perfect God Who Makes No Mistakes give you opposable thumbs, soft palms, and a penis that will react favorably to manual manipulation?
If it’s #2, then for what purpose does it serve God for ejaculation to feel good if it is not inside a vagina? Is it just some sort of cruel test to prove you really love Him? (I’m leaning toward this one; I’ve read The Book of Job.)
If it’s #3, then would it be sinful if you participated in Onan’s Olympics while reading Bible verses and softly humming Oh Come All Ye Faithful?
And if it’s #4, then see the above paragraph.
No, really what this boils down to is the age-old method of brainwashing and dehumanization practiced by all religions throughout the centuries. Churches have to create a demand for their product. Their product is Salvation™.
But you don’t need Salvation™ unless you are a sinner. Now, since most people don’t murder, steal, or lie, there needs to be a way to turn your average fellow into a sinner.
The easiest way to accomplish that is to make him feel guilty for doing something that is completely natural (hell, chimpanzees, penguins, and dogs masturbate) and nearly impossible to resist.
So, if you masturbate, you’re a sinner, you need Salvation™, pass the collection plate and Praise God!
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