“Queer Eye” is the genius of Frankensteinian television programming for women (which is not to say I don’t love it, too.) I can only imagine what the development meetings were like. It’s almost as if they took every successful female-themed show on TV and stuck them in a blender. Its got:
a house getting redesigned (TLC’s “Trading Spaces”)
+ schlub of a husband/boyfriend (take your pick from “Everybody Loves Raymond”, “According to Jim”, and just about every sitcom of the past three decades)
+ a fashion make-over (numerous episodes of “Oprah” and others)
+ a hairstyle and grooming make-over (ditto)
+ a cooking show (too many to count)
+ a couple on a date (syndicated “Blind Date” and many others)
+ funny gay fellows engaging in witty double-entendre (NBC’s “Will & Grace”)
And voila, you get “Queer Eye”! Well, in the interest of equal timing, I think it’s time we men get our Frankenstein show. I’ll call it “Dyke Pals for the Straight Gal”. In our show, five lesbians from different walks of life help an ordinary straight woman become more attractive to their mate. Meet our “Femme Five” as they pull up to the apartment in a Jeep Cherokee:
NANCY [Autos], a short, stocky butch lesbian wearing jeans, a flannel shirt, and sporting the “shlong” or “mullet” hairstyle. She helps our woman learn the basics of car maintenance – changing oil, putting on a spare tire, rebuilding a carburetor blindfolded in the dark using only a Swiss Army knife, etc.
PARIS [Fashion], Paris Hilton, multibillionaire heiress, teaches our woman how to spend more money on less fabric, and how to dress like the naughty little girl we’d like to think she is. Special episodes will cover the proper display of thong underwear, going braless and loving it, and how to sit down in a mini skirt while not wearing panties.
TAMIKA [Sports], an Amazonian former power forward in the WNBA, teaches our woman how to watch and understand sporting events on television. And mostly how to not ask annoying silly questions while the game is progressing. And especially to not stand in front of the TV!
REBECCA [Cuisine], a former Hooters waitress, provides recipes for nachos, chicken wings, pizza, chili, and other traditional guy foods, as well as tips on the best cheap macrobrews. She also provides tips on how to obediently serve these treats to a hostile audience of drunken men watching sporting events. While wearing the next-to-nothing that Paris picked out.
DEVINN [Sex], an adult-film “actress” and self-described “lipstick dominatrix” in a silver lame’ spaghetti-strapped halter top and micro-mini-skirt. She helps our woman by training her on the proper “post-date” techniques and appreciation of the adult-film genre.
Our show takes us through the Femme Five’s transformation of the woman, her hairstyle, make-up, automobile, and the Five watch through close-circuit TV’s as the woman prepares for the big date with her man (usually centered around a big TV sporting event), preparing the appetizers and serving beers to all his buddies while wearing the trashy clothes Paris picked out. The guys eventually leave, leaving us to watch as the woman demonstrates the techniques Devinn taught her. The Femme Five have no interest in this part, so their side devolves into a lingerie pillow-fight, which we’ll split-screen with the “post-date”.
“Radical” Russ — when you see this skit on SNL, remember, you read it here first…
