Gather ye and pay heed, for it is time for another installment of Russ’s Bible Study. As a lifelong atheist raised in a Christian culture, I find there are many inspired philosophies and words of wisdom for the peaceful coexistence of all humankind to be found within the pages of the Bible.
Then there are stories like this passage from the Book of Numbers, Chapter 22, Verses 21 through 39, that are just batshit hilarious. Today, I bring you the tale of Balaam’s Talking Donkey, in the Old Testament from the Russ Colloquial Version, except for the boldface quotations straight from the New King James Version.
Numbers 22
21 So, this guy Balaam gets on his donkey to ride to an appointment in Moab.
22 But God was pissed and didn’t want Balaam to go, so God sent an angel to stop Balaam and his two slaves.
23 The angel shows up in the middle of the road and draws a sword, so the donkey freaks out and turns into the field. Not Balaam or the two slaves, though, just the donkey. Apparently, God has sent an invisible sword-wielding angel that only donkeys can see. Because if you’re pissed at Balaam and don’t want him to go to Moab, why contact him directly or even indirectly through an intermediary fencing angel when instead you can rely on Balaam’s donkey behavioral psych evaluations, which, by the way, are terrible, because Balaam just beats the donkey until it gets back on the road.
24 Undeterred, the swashbuckling angel appears again, but this time on the path through the vineyards with walls on both sides. See, this way the donkey can’t go around the angel! That will convince Balaam that God is pissed. No need to make the angel appear visible to humans or speak directly to Balaam—”hey, Balaam, God here, don’t go to Moab!”—no, Balaam will surely understand that his donkey has stopped because it sees the invisible angel of Zorro on the path.
25 Well, the donkey sees the Highlander angel again and this time presses up against the wall to avoid it, crushing Balaam’s foot against the wall, and Balaam beats the holy hell out of the donkey again.
26 Figuring the third time is the charm, I guess, the sword angel finds a spot where there’s nowhere else for the donkey to turn.
27 Donkey sees the sword angel and just lays down, so, of course, there’s Balaam beating the everlovin’ shit out of that poor donkey.
28 That’s when God finally speaks directly to Balaam by making the donkey talk. The donkey asks, “What have I done to you, that you have struck me these three times? You know, besides going into a field, crushing you against a wall, and just laying down for no apparent reason?”
29 That’s when Balaam freaks out and turns to his slaves, screaming, “Holy shit, did you guys just hear the donkey talk? Tell me you heard the motherfuckin’ donkey talk!” No, I’m kidding. Balaam just answers the donkey, “Because you have abused [mocked] me. I wish there were a sword in my hand, for now I would kill you!”
30 Well, the donkey can’t believe this bullshit. Donkey, who not only speaks but understands human language, replies, “Am I not your donkey on which you have ridden, ever since I became yours, to this day? Was I ever disposed to do this to you?” And Balaam says, “no.”
31 That’s when God made the angel with the broadsword visible to Balaam, who immediately bows down. Donkeys speaking perfect human language is one thing, but an angel with a broadsword will cut your ass. And Donkey’s gotta be thinking, “Yo, maybe you could’ve just opened with sword-wielding angel sans cloaking device and saved me three beatings?”
32 The Angel d’Artagnan then says to Balaam, “Why have you struck your donkey these three times? Behold, I have come out to stand against you, because your way is perverse before Me.” And Balaam’s gotta be thinking, “Dude, the goddamn donkey was just turning into fields, crushing me against walls, and laying down on the road for no good reason? Maybe you could tell your boss not to be so fuckin’ subtle?”
33 The Samurai Seraphim continues, telling Balaam, “The donkey saw Me and turned aside from Me these three times. If she had not turned aside from Me, surely I would also have killed you by now, and let her live.” Because that’s Biblical due process at its finest. We send Gabriel down with a scimitar to scare your pack animals, and if you ignore that three times, death penalty.
34 So Balaam replies, “I have sinned, for I did not know You stood in the way against me. I mean, you were invisible, but that’s on me for not correctly interpreting obviously sword-angel influenced donkey decisions. Now therefore, if it displeases You, I will turn back.”
35 That’s when the sword-angel says to Balaam, “Go with the men, but only the word that I speak to you, that you shall speak. Basically, God was pissed that you were going to go off-script with this guy Balak in Moab, so he sent me to freak out your donkey three times in order to stop you from going, but he still really wants you to go, just stick to what I tell you to say.”
36 Balak hears that Balaam’s on his way, so he scoots out to meet Balaam in Moab.
37 When Balaam gets to Moab, Balak asks, “Did I not earnestly send to you, calling for you? Why did you not come to me? Am I not able to honor you? Did you get me my Cheez-Whiz, boy?” (No, wait, wrong Scripture. That last part’s from The Blues Brothers.)
38 And Balaam says to Balak, “Look, I have come to you, sorry I’m late. Now, have I any power at all to say anything? My damn donkey kept turning and stopping and I kept beating it to get it to move, but wouldn’t you know it, there was actually an invisible sword-angel trying to tell me that “the word that God puts in my mouth, that I must speak.“
39 “Okay,” says Balak and they both went to Kirjath Huzoth, which I assume is an upscale gentleman’s club.
That concludes Russ’s Bible Study for the evening.
