I was listening to the Majority Report on Air America the other night when Janeane and Sam interviewed a pharmacist from Colorado. The subject was this recent rash of “conscience clause” actions on the part of pharmacists, that being a reference to laws in four states that allow a pharmacist to refuse to fill birth control prescriptions if that violated the pharmacist’s personal morals (Colorado isn’t one of those states).

The guy was a full-on laugh riot! First, he’s got this thick, “ah shucks y’all” Southern accent, and second he keeps referring to himself as a “preserver of life”, which Janeane turned into “life preserver“. I knew it would be good when he asked that before they began would they join him in a prayer to Jesus…

I love it when the FEBACs™ use the public prayer routine, even despite what Jesus said about it. I’ve always seen the group prayer thing as a method of scolding in a way so that people have to be quite while you do it. (“Heavenly Father, bless our family and help our little son Johnny to control his sinful ways…“)

Anyway, the pharmacist’s point was that he is a preserver of life, and therefore could not in good conscience offer the morning-after contraception pill or birth control to women. That could be an arguable point on the former — there has been a conceived zygote and the pharmacist does not want to be a party to its “murder” — but the latter part is laughable. Birth control does not extinguish a life, it prevents it from occurring in the first place! He’s not a “preserver of life”, he’s an “enforcer of procreation“!

Of course, the pharmacist ignores the fact that some women are prescribed birth control to regulate hormones, moderate their menstruation, or alleviate depression. That doesn’t matter to him, though. Because the real agenda here has so much to do with controlling women’s bodies (ready for the burqha, ladies?) and the belief that sex is dirty awful nasty and should be used for making babies only. If women are going to be so slutty as to actually enjoy sex for pleasure’s sake, they should be forced to suffer the consequences of shtupping, namely baby after baby after baby.

Which seems to be just fine with the pharmacist. Sam goes on to ask a question something like, “if you felt that athlete’s foot was a sacred form of life, would you not sell athlete’s foot powder?” The pharmacist, not amused, said, “well, y’all can go on making your smart-alecky comments, but you can’t compare a fungus with a life. I love my four children, and my two twin boys, Skyler and Tyler,” (I swear to you, those are the names he said,) “are not fungi… I mean, they’re fun guys, but they’re not like athlete’s foot.”

Janeane hit on the contraception point. After some prodding she got him to admit that birth control pills weren’t terminating a pregnancy, merely preventing it. “What you’re preserving,” she said (and I paraphrase, since it was on the radio last night and I didn’t transcribe while I was driving), “is unrestricted access to the egg for any sperm that enter a woman’s body.”

With that in mind, she went on to ask him whether or not his attitude toward birth control extends to the male side of the equation. “Do you refuse to sell condoms to the men who come in your pharmacy?” she asked. He said, “no, unfortunately the condoms are available over the counter and there’s nothing I can do to restrict anyone from buying those yet.” (cue the sinister music now…) He sounded very upset about that, too, like he was just biding his time until the glorious day when he could refuse to even sell condoms in his pharmacy.

I’m wondering when the “conscience clause” argument gets to spread beyond the pharmacy. How about a vegetarian waitress at the Outback Steakhouse, does she not only bring you blooming onions? How about the Quaker heavyweight champion of the world, does he just talk you into a ten-count? Who’s ready for the radical lesbian feminist pharmacist (say that three times fast) who refuses to sell Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra? What about the Born Again™ store clerk who won’t ring up the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition? I know, let’s have racist cops who refuse to assist people of color (whoops, too close to reality on that one, Russ…)

I don’t have to wonder too much, though, because I’ve already had one of these examples in my family. My Born-Again™ aunt once worked as a manager at a convenience store. The store had a display behind the counter of Zig Zag rolling papers. Since those papers are much used by the cannabis community, she decided that she would remove the display and hide the papers under the front counter. Nevermind the fact that the papers are also used for the completely legal purpose of rolling loose-tobacco cigarettes; she was on her Christ-guided crusade to rid the world of stoners one joint at a time.

Soon a distributor came in to fill her supplies of lighters, cigarettes, and the aforementioned papers. He noticed the papers were not on display. When he told her that the store had a contract to display the papers in that specific visible behind-the-counter location, she was forced to replace the display. Since she was forced to sell the sinful items, her next Christian venture was to write down the license plate numbers of anyone who purchased the papers and forward them to her daughter and son-in-law, both of whom happen to be officers in the county sheriff’s department. I have no word on whether she reported any of the purchasers of Cheetos and Gummi Bears.

My point is not that the man isn’t entitled to his backwater ideals of “conscience”, it is that if his “conscience” prohibits him from fulfilling his duty as a pharmacist, then go sell shoes or something. No one is forcing you to be a pharmacist! You don’t get to pick and choose which prescriptions to fill and which to ignore. (Or worse, deny; in many of the “conscience clause” cases, the pharmacists have not only refused to fill the prescription, they’ve refused to give the script back to the patient so she may fill the prescription elsewhere!) Soldiers don’t get to perform the spit-shining and the marching and the saluting, but refuse to fulfill the killing part because they’re pacifists. Firemen don’t get to choose to only save the houses of the nice rich people while letting the slums burn because they’re elitists. Teachers don’t get to teach biology, chemistry, and physics but skip over the evolution part because they’re Biblical Creationists (whoops, too close to reality again, Russ…)

You have a job — pharmacist — that holds the public trust. We have laws to prevent the abuse and misuse of prescription drugs and you are the arbiter of those laws. If the drug is legal and has been legally prescribed, it is your duty and obligation to fill that prescription. Don’t like it? Don’t be a pharmacist.

It’s really going to get this scary, people, as the theocrats reach for total control of our country. There are movements underway to allow doctors to have a “conscience clause” so they can refuse to treat gay and lesbian patients (because Jesus only heals lepers and whores, not fags). We already forbid federal funding of any overseas health clinics that even mention the word “abortion” to their clients. Public health, commonsense, and your morals mean nothing to the Rapture Right, it’s all about their morality and making sure you abide by it.