The pro-war Righties have lately been touting recent numbers from the military that show record numbers of servicemembers re-enlisting in their service. “See,” they’ll beam with pride, “the actual grunts on the ground know we’re doing good things over there and can’t wait to sign up again, because they believe in the mission and know firsthand that all the gloom and doom coming from the liberal media is bullshit.”

Well, there is that huge reenlistment bonus…

On April 3, 2005, 177 Soldiers from the Aviation Brigade, 3d Infantry Division reenlisted with GEN Dan K. McNeill, FORSCOM Commander & MG William G. Webster, Commander, 3d Infantry Division. The Soldiers reenlisted for a combined 993 years and were paid nearly $1.8 million in bonuses.

…so it’s hard to tell whether they really love Establishing Middle Eastern Democracy By Blowing The Hell Out Of It or they’re just financially desperate to send some money back home to their family on food stamps.

Military families on food stamps? It’s not an urban myth. About 25,000 families of servicemen and women are eligible, and this may be an underestimate, since the most recent Defense Department report on the financial condition of the armed forces — from 1999 — found that 40 percent of lower-ranking soldiers face “substantial financial difficulties.” Senator Harry Reid, Democrat of Nevada, reports hearing from constituents that the Army now includes applications for food stamps in its orientation packet for new recruits.

But still, no amount of money is worth getting shot and killed. Certainly if a soldier in Iraq doesn’t believe in the mission anymore, he’d decline the bonus and return home to family and safety… right? Well, maybe if he had a choice:

“My son in law in Iraq said they are being pressured round the clock to re-enlist or face stop loss. They are being offering $30,000 tax free signing bonus, and told if they don’t re-enlist they are going to be Stop Lossed and get zero dollars. They are pushing the troops round the clock to re-enlist. Mark got only three hours sleep in 48 hours but when he got back he was again faced with re-enlisting. Mark said many guys are scared and are signing up, and their families at home are very upset — for good reason. We really need to push our media and congressmen to expose the horrible way our troops are being treated.”

Lisa Gill
Son-in-law in Iraq

So, when your choice is take the money and risk getting shot or don’t take the money and risk getting shot, what would you do? Of course the reenlistment numbers are so high! (Speaking of “high”, this is the same kind of tortured logic used in the other War on Nouns when they claim that there’s huge increases in people seeking treatment for marijuana addiction, when in fact, more people are in treatment because more people are arrested and part of the sentencing is mandatory treatment.)

All those signing bonuses and food stamps are costing us taxpayers some real money. When the soldiers are dying at a rate of 61 per month and recruiting is not refilling the ranks of the Guard and Reserve or Active Duty Military, somebody is going to have to pick up the slack.

That’s why the Yellow Elephants are so perfect to the task. They’re already living in their mom’s basement, so they’ll be used to close quarters, bunkers, and taking orders. Their parents’ financial ability to provide for them means they won’t be needing any food stamps. And with their dedication and zeal, they’ll entice a whole new generation to follow their example and join the military, and they’ll keep those troops numbers high with their inevitable reenlistment.