Seven Habits of Highly Effective Stoners
If you’ve decided to dedicate yourself to the high life like I have, you’ll find that you may face the same confounding situations over and over. Where’s my lighter? What’s that guy’s name? Oh no, I’m almost out of weed! With just a little bit of habit building, you can mitigate most of these situations cheaply and effectively.
1) Never lose another lighter. One method is to simply attach it to you with a retractable cord; many companies offer some sort of “Lighter Leash” that fits a standard size Bic and attaches to your belt loop. Another option is to buy fancier lighters, like a Zippo, that catches enough attention that a fellow stoner can’t absent-mindedly slip it into his pocket.
2) Never lock yourself out of your car or house. Build the habit that you are always touching your keys when you lock a door. Older car doors and most house doors can be locked with the key, but with newer electronic doors, be holding the keys in your hand before you activate the lock. Once you’ve learned how to build this habit, it can be transferred to other important items (e.g., before I leave the room I must know what time it is – this forces me to look at, and therefore not leave, my smartphone.)
3) Make your stash last longer. Put it in separate containers. If you see one big jar full of weed, you’ll feel like you can smoke big bowls all day, because there is plenty. But if you divide that into five jars and only keep out one jar at a time, subconsciously you’ll feel like you’re running out and you’ll smoke smaller bowls less often. (Note: this is for home use only – separate containers on the road is called “intent to distribute”.)
4) Remember people’s names. Come up with a nickname, song, movie, or character to remind you of that person. Then attach that to a place. For instance, when I meet Maria, I start humming the “Maria” song from West Side Story and think about Brooklyn. When I meet James, I’ll call him “Capt. Kirk” in my mind and think about Iowa. The human brain evolved to help our hunter-gatherer ancestors find their way, so our memories work really well with mapping places. By attaching places to songs and stories that represent a person, we strengthen that memory by attaching a new concept (this person you met) to familiar memories.
5) Avoid getting busted in your car. Two words: Cruise control. If your car has it, you should use it, especially these days as drug recognition experts are really focusing on consistency of speed as they look for stoned drivers. I’ve found 2 MPH over the limit is just right for blending in with most traffic. It helps to drive a non-descript car lacking pro-marijuana or stoner band bumper stickers. Of course, don’t smoke in the car – this is by far the number one way tokers get busted – and store the stash in the trunk.
6) Avoid getting busted outside. Figure out which way the wind is blowing and walk that direction. Stick to joints or vape pens; somebody walking down the street using those doesn’t stick out visually, it’s the smell that gives them away. You’re better off walking across a parking lot or a park, where you can see in all directions, than rounding a blind corner in the city and perhaps running into people. Keep moving and remember that the flick of a lighter can be seen for a mile in the dark – to a cop, one flick looks like a smoker, multiple flicks over time floating around a circle looks like stoners.
7) Avoid getting busted at hotels. Most hotels are now strictly non-smoking and levy hefty fines. A vaporizer is a better option than smoking, but regardless, check to see if there is a complimentary shower cap in the bathroom. The cap fits perfectly over the smoke detector. Check air flow if you open a window; in some places, outside air rushes in and pushes your smoke out into the hall. The best bet is to smoke in the bathroom with the door closed, with a full blast hot shower running, and the bathroom fan on. The steam from the shower helps to make the smoke rise out of the room. Don’t forget to remove the shower cap from the smoke detector when you leave and never leave your stash in your room unless you have one of those room safes.
These are just a few things that have kept me puffin’ tuff for two dozen years without police incident (aside from being European-American). Share some of your highly effective stoner habits in the comments!
