So the latest redneck cracker-ass American Taliban volley in their War to Eliminate The Abomination of Homosexuality is this little nugget of goodness from Alabama (motto: A Great Place to be a Straight White Christian):

Republican Alabama lawmaker Gerald Allen says homosexuality is an unacceptable lifestyle. As CBS News Correspondent Mark Strassmann reports, under his bill, public school libraries could no longer buy new copies of plays or books by gay authors, or about gay characters.

“I don’t look at it as censorship,” says State Representative Gerald Allen. “I look at it as protecting the hearts and souls and minds of our children.”

Books by any gay author would have to go: Tennessee Williams, Truman Capote and Gore Vidal. Alice Walker’s novel “The Color Purple” has lesbian characters.

And it’s hard to even know where to start with these people. OK, his bill died, but the mindset that spawns this neo-Nazi crap lives on. I really just want to ask them a few questions, but I’m generally allergic to intolerance. Fortunately, I was raised in Idaho (motto: like Alabama, but without all the black folks!) so I can get in touch with my personal repressed inner redneck for my own imaginary hypothetical liberal vs. redneck argument:

Do you personally think homosexuality is disgusting, filthy, perverted, and sinful? (“Why, of course! It’s in the Bible!”)

OK, do you think that a majority of other Americans agree with you? (“Well, just look at all the anti-gay marriage amendments that passed last election!”)

Well, that’s not exactly an answer to the question, but we’ll let it slide. Do you think gay people are born that way, or do they choose that behavior and learn it from a permissive culture? (“It’s a lifestyle choice!”) (Redneck bigots always speak in exclamations…)

OK, let’s just suppose that all of the studies showing homosexuality in hundreds of animal species are wrong, the psychologists who do not classify homosexuality as any sort of disorder are just “intimidated by the homosexual lobby”, and the testimony of millions of gay people to the contrary are all wrong, and you are right… (“It’s not just me! It’s in the Bible!”)

OK, whatever. Let’s say you’re right; gay people choose to be that way. When did gayness first appear in human history? (“Uh… what?”) (Rednecks are often stunned by history questions not involving NASCAR or the Civil War.)

Let me put it another way: Has there ever been a society or a culture in human history where there were no gay people? (“There were no gays in the Garden of Eden!”) (Ah, the Bible; last refuge of the intellectually challenged…)

Ah, but there were gays in Sodom & Gomorrah, true? (“Yup! And God smited them for their wickedness!”)

Smote. (“Huh?”) Nevermind. So God struck down Sodom and Gomorrah, and yet there are still gay people? Why do you suppose you can accomplish something that God could not? (“We’re not trying to force anyone to not be gay! God gave us all free will, even to sin! We just don’t think our society should be promoting sinful behavior! Why, we don’t promote raping and thievery!”)

Ah, but raping and thievery are crimes against an innocent victim, whereas homosexuality involves only two or more willing participants. It’s apples and oranges; you can’t make that comparison. (“But still, we shouldn’t promote something that is harmful to society!”)

Interesting. There have been gays in every human society, from the Ancient Greeks through the Middle Ages and on through today. There have always been gays and it seems there will always be gays. And they’ve been discriminated against, reviled, mistreated, abused, and even murdered all throughout history. Yet still they exist! Do you think anything you are doing now, from banning gay marriage (that doesn’t even exist in most states anyway) to banning gay books and plays, is going to eradicate homosexuality from the planet? (“Well… probably not.”) (Rednecks lose those exclamation points when they’re getting backed into a corner.)

So, what we have here is a situation where there’s one particular set of people, and we’re trying to decide how they should be treated. Do you think we should treat black people differently than white people, or men differently than women? (“Hold on, that’s different, nobody chooses to be black or female!”) (Imaginary hypothetical redneck note: this may not be the actual reaction you’d get from a real redneck. Some are perfectly happy with the idea of subjugation of minorities and women. Please allow the poetic license…)

Well, you think so, since you think people choose to be gay. I’ve actually heard voices from the black community make the same protest. So let me rephrase: do you think we should treat Christian people different from secular people? (“That’s exactly what is happening today, what with the Ten Commandments and pharmacist conscience clauses and school prayer…”)

OK, OK, that’s another argument, but you’ve proven at least one thing: you know what it is like to be in a group that is discrimnated against for its lifestyle choice. After all, you’re not born Christian, are you? You choose to be Christian. Christian literature teaches you how to be Christian. Other Christians recruit you into their Christian lifestyle. You flaunt your Christian lifestyle and you shove your Christianity down other people’s throats. You have open Christian celebrations, public gatherings of Christian pride, there’s Christian plays and music… (“Now wait a minute, that’s not even the same thing!”)

Isn’t it? Imagine your reaction if a state senator proposed a bill banning all books with Christian references or written by Christian authors. The senate gavel wouldn’t have even struck twice before you and your congregation would be down there picketing. Should Christians be allowed to marry? Should Christians be allowed to adopt? Should Christians not be fired or evicted simply for being Christian? (“This is stupid! You can’t compare Christians to gays!”)

Why not? You know, there are even some Gay Christians! What if “gay” is just another religion, another set of beliefs with its own set of rituals and lifestyle? Are you against equal treatment for other religions? Should Muslims be allowed to marry? Should Jews be allowed to adopt? Should Buddhists not be fired or evicted simply for being Buddhists? You know, their “lifestyles” contains lots of rituals and beliefs that are also at odds with the Bible. (“Religion is different! You can’t compare the two!”)

Well, what is it, Cletus? Is it something you’re born with, like skin color or gender, or is it something you choose, like religion or lifestyle? Or is it something else entirely? Whatever you decide, Cletus, the question really comes down to this: how do we as a society treat people who are different? Do we discriminate against them? Do we offer them second-class status? Do we place them in separate-but-equal categories of law? Or do we live up to our creed that all men are created equal and deserve equal privilege and protection under the law? (“You’re not gonna convince me of any of this crap! Fags are disgusting and perverted and I don’t want my kids exposed to it!”)

And now we’re back to you wanting to impose your personal feelings on the law. I know I’ll never convince you, Cletus, but remember this: gay people have always existed and will always continue to exist. Their numbers have remained steady for millenia. Nothing you can do will ever change the fact that a certain percentage of the human species is gay.

However, the numbers of intolerant, uneducated, hateful bigots have been on a steady decline all throughout history. Your kind used to dominate empires and nations, but now you’re fading into a screaming vocal minority, all too well aware of your impending extinction in the face of a growing global force of education, empathy, and enlightenment. You are the dinosaurs of the Crusades, the Salem Witch Trials, and the Confederacy, slipping into the muddy tar pits of time while the intelligent, adaptable, tool-wielding mammals of American Revolution, Women’s Suffrage, the Civil Rights Movement, and global communication and literacy pass you by.

Yes, you will win your battles from time to time, and in your death throes you will make a lot of noise and damage a lot of property. But in the long run, you will be historical oddities, looked at with the same measure of curiosity and shame as we look upon the slaveowning, wife-beating, and religious persecution in our past. Our great-grandchildren will be as unable to conceive of tying a gay man to a fencepost in Wyoming as we are unable to conceive of hanging a black man from a tree in Mississippi.

Now get out of my cerebral cortex, you imaginary hypothetical redneck, and back to the tiny little corner of my brain stem where you belong!