President Obama Denies Crack Smoking Claim, Says it was “Dabs”
WASHINGTON DC – The political world was rocked today by allegations revealed today in the Washington Inquisitor that President Barack Obama was seen “smoking crack” by a young girl on a White House tour.
“We were on the White House tour,” explained 2nd grader April Fuhlzjok from P.S. 420 in the Bronx, “when we went by the president’s office [the Oval Office]. The lady [tour guide] said we couldn’t visit the president because he was busy.”
But the little girl said the door to the office was slightly ajar. While the tour guide was distracted, young April peeked in the door. That’s when she says she saw the president, who quickly ran forward to shut the door when he was seen.
“I saw President Obama smoking crack! He had a blow torch and a big pipe thing and smoke was coming out of it,” April told the Inquisitor. When asked how she would know what crack smoking looked like, April’s mother explained that her estranged father was a crack addict and, unfortunately, April had been exposed to his drug use.
Reacting quickly to the unfolding scandal, which some have likened to the revelations of Toronto mayor Rob Ford’s crack smoking video, White House Deputy Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters in the West Wing there was no truth to the allegations of little April Fuhlzjok. “This little girl has clearly mistaken something she has seen,” Earnest began when, to everyone’s surprise, President Obama stepped out from the wings and motioned Earnest aside to deliver his bombshell remarks.
“Look, there has been some, well, speculation as to what this little girl has seen,” the president began. “But we’re not going to stand here and scapegoat a child over what she believes she’s seen.” Obama glared slightly at Earnest and continued.
“The simple fact is that I was smoking dabs – which is just a popular term for smoking the concentrated oil from cannabis.” Obama motioned the shocked reporters to hold their questions. “I think since the legalization of marijuana in Washington and Colorado that we all need to be honest about our cannabis use. The fact is, I’ve been using cannabis off and on all my life, since the days of the Choom Gang.”
Obama went over the history of his marijuana use, how he once smoked joints and used cocaine, how he gave it up as he pursued political office, and how he has re-embraced his love of cannabis since becoming president. “People do not understand how stressful this job is,” Obama offered, “and how much cannabis has helped me deal with those pressures. Without my daily dab, we’d probably be at war in Syria now. Of course, there’s a time and place for everything – maybe I shouldn’t have had that dab before the second debate with Mitt Romney.”
Obama also apologized for the way his use came to light. “I deeply regret that it took some young girl peeking through my office door for us to have this conversation. But sometimes it is through the innocent eyes of children that we come to realize the greatest truths. I assure you all, these cannabis concentrates are safe when used responsibly. They are simply cannabis itself, stripped of its plant material.”
The president then closed by acknowledging the hypocrisy of continuing to maintain marijuana prohibition despite his own use of marijuana. “Look, I’ve wanted to decriminalize marijuana since my days running for Senate. But I’ve had to learn the hard way that doing the right thing isn’t always the way Washington works. I had to twist arms just to get a modest health care reform done in a country that overwhelmingly supports Medicare-For-All. I can’t just wave a magic wand and legalize marijuana overnight.”
Now that we have a president who has admitted to not just smoking marijuana, but smoking concentrates, while in office, it would seem marijuana reform has been given its biggest boost since Michael Phelps won 20 gold medals. “From here on,” Obama said, “we are going to step up our support of the legalization regimes unfolding in Colorado and Washington, and soon hopefully in Alaska and Oregon. Now if you’ll all excuse me, it’s 7:10 and I have important to work to catch up on.” With that, Obama left to the sounds of reporters shouting questions.