Top Ten Stupid Prohibition Stories of 2016
Hello, ladies and gentlemen and all the ships at sea! I’m old-timey 1920’s radio reporter Freddie Farach. This is the Top Ten Stupid Prohibition Stories of 2016!
CLIP: DRUM ROLL
10) Omaha Man Curses Cat Over Pot Brownies
The Omaha World-Herald reports that a man had let his adult children use his car. When he later used the car to get groceries, he found brownies in the back of the car. As he unloaded the groceries, he ate four of the brownies, unaware they were laced with mmmarijuana.
CLIP: SITAR MUSIC
Paramedics called to the scene noted the man was agitated, but his vital signs were otherwise normal. However, he was crawling around on the floor, sputtering profanities, and calling the family cat “a bitch”, according to reports.
CLIP: CAT YOWLING
He told the paramedics he felt like “he’s trippin’” but declined to go to the hospital, retiring to his bed instead.
CLIP: DRUM ROLL
9) Man Tries Blaming Wendy’s Drive-Thru For His Weed
In April, a young man was pulled over by police in Milton, West Virginia, after leaving a Wendy’s hamburger fast-food drive-thru. An officer claimed he could smell mmmarijuana and brought in a drug-sniffing dog for a subsequent search. The dog discovered a small bag of mmmarijuana stashed inside a hot-and-juicy Baconator cheeseburger.
CLIP: HOMER SIMPSON – I COULDA SMOKED THAT POT
According to the police Facebook post that went viral, the man said, “It was in the cheeseburger when I got it. They must have put it on there at the store.” The police, tongue planted firmly in cheek, explained to the public that “When we checked Wendys.com, we did in fact find out that marijuana is not an ingredient on the Baconator.”
What? Wendy’s doesn’t make a medicated Baconator?
CLIP: DAZED AND CONFUSED – IT’D BE A LOT COOLER IF YOU DID
CLIP: DRUM ROLL
8) Vacant House Hookup Leads to Pipe in Plain View
A young female real estate agent in Texas decided one dark early morning to do the wild thing with her boyfriend in a vacant home she had just sold. Neighbors in the Houston suburb thought it odd that a couple with flashlights were entering an empty home at five in the morning and they called the police.
CLIP: TONE-LOC WILD THING
When police arrived, the real estate agent lied and told them she and the boyfriend were a married couple who had just purchased the home. Cops then took them back to their car to retrieve their identification. That’s when they saw a glass pot pipe sitting on the dashboard and smelled the overpowering smell of mmmarijuana. A subsequent search found more paraphernalia and a baggie of mmmarijuana, which the real estate agent admitted was hers.
CLIP: DRUM ROLL
7) Ohio Man Asks Cops To Help Find His Lost Weed
Police in Ohio were called to a neighborhood where an older man was found wandering drunk through his own front yard. When police asked the man what he was doing, he informed them he was looking for his lost bag of mmmarijuana.
CLIP: OHIO MAN LOST MARIJUANA – AIN’T GONNA LIE
To confirm that the drunk man was indeed admitting to a crime, the police officer asked a follow-up question:
CLIP: OHIO MAN LOST MARIJUANA – AIN’T GOT IT ON ME
The drunk man then enlisted the police officer in the search for his contraband mmmarijuana.
CLIP: OHIO MAN LOST MARIJUANA – I FOUND IT FOR YOU
The man was given a ticket for mmmarijuana possession.
CLIP: DRUM ROLL
6) Woman Smokes Pot in Car in Cops’ Parking Spot
One day in Chicago, a 21-year-old woman decided to help out her friend who had been busted for a DUI. She drove to the police station to pick up her friend and then take her to get her car out of impound. But while waiting for her friend, she parked her car in a spot marked “police unit parking only”. Then she rolled down her window and started smoking some mmmarijuana.
CLIP: POLICE SQUAD – IS THIS SOME KIND OF BUST?
Soon enough, a cop investigating why a civilian car was parked in police parking discovered the woman and the strong odor of mmmarijuana. The police asked if there was mmmarijuana in the vehicle and the woman helpfully answered that there was, as well as two items of paraphernalia. Cops called it “probably the easiest cannabis arrest” they’ve ever made.
CLIP: DRUM ROLL
5) Man on Probation Throws Marijuana Football Into Prison
When people try to smuggle contraband into a prison by hiding it inside a non-contraband object, the object is called a “football”. But for this story, the “football” was an actual football.
In Michigan, a 22-year-old man on probation for a 2012 home invasion, who also had a prior charge for cocaine delivery that year, was busted when he tried to throw a football filled with mmmarijuana, heroin, and three cell phones over two fences at the G. Robert Cotton Correctional Facility.
CLIP: BOMB EXPLOSION
The man won’t be getting any tryouts with the Detroit Lions anytime soon, as the throw was well short of clearing the second fence, landing in-between the fences where no inmates have access. The man was sentenced to 17-to-60 months for his terrible quarterbacking skills.
CLIP: DRUM ROLL
4) Rapper Baby Bash Admits To Texas Felonies
A recent mmmarijuana party was held in Texas held by rappers Paul Wall and Baby Bash, leading to the arrest of the duo and eight others on felony distribution charges. So to help the state prove ten defendants are guilty of mmmarijuana felonies, Baby Bash spoke on camera to celebrity gossip site TMZ to prove that he knew he was breaking the law in Texas:
CLIP: BABY BASH TEXAS DON’T PLAY DAT
Just to be sure, Mr. Bash, could you admit you knew you were committing a felony in public to local news station KHOU-TV?
CLIP: BABY BASH THIS AIN’T CALIFORNIA
While the state of Texas still has prohibition of mmmarijuana, it has much harsher penalties for mmmarijuana extracts – the so-called “wax”, “shatter”, “oil”, or “dabs” – and the charges leveled against Bash and the others could lead to ten years in a Texas prison.
CLIP: BABY BASH ADMITS TEXAS FELONIES
I’m sorry, Mr. Bash, I don’t think the jury deciding your fate could quite hear you admitting that you and other people charged were using mmmarijuana extracts. Could you repeat that to the news station?
CLIP: BABY BASH SPILLS FELONY DETAILS
CLIP: DRUM ROLL
3) Stoned Couple Busted Letting 13-Year-Old Drive Them
In Iowa, a middle-aged couple was arrested in a traffic stop when an officer noticed their vehicle behaving erratically. That’s because the officer discovered that the couple was sitting in the backseat of the car, being driven by a 13-year-old child.
CLIP: CHEECH & CHONG – AM I DRIVING OK?
The car reeked of mmmarijuana and the man helpfully showed police an eighth of mmmarijuana and a pipe he’d stashed behind the seat, admitting that the child shouldn’t be driving the car.
CLIP: DRUM ROLL
2) Credit Card Counterfeiters Smoke Weed in Parking Lot During RNC
As the Republican National Convention was taking place in July, four people traveling together to Cleveland decided to stop their rented SUV in a parking lot to smoke some mmmarijuana in the middle of the afternoon.
CLIP: FAST TIMES – ON DOPE
Police that were making their rounds for the security of the conventioneers spotted them in the parking lot and asked them to step out of the car. As she exited the car, one of the adults dropped a bunch of counterfeit credit cards she’d been holding. A subsequent search uncovered laptops and label makers and other equipment the four were using as part of an elaborate credit card fraud.
CLIP: DRUM ROLL – TYMPANI
1) Marijuana Smugglers Call 911 On Themselves
These two guys decide they are going to load up twenty pounds of marijuana from Las Vegas, Nevada, to Bozeman, Montana. They were puffing along in the car on their road trip, which took them through Eastern Idaho, a notoriously strict prohibition state.
When they cross into Idaho, they begin feeling paranoid. Convinced that they were being followed by undercover unmarked police cars, they pull into the small college town of Rexburg and called 911 on themselves. Really.
CLIP: ADMITTED DRUG DEALERS CALL IDAHO COPS
