Throughout my writing it would be easy to get the impression that I hate religion. You see terms like “hypoChristian Wackos” flying around and it kinda sets a tone. Or comparisons between Jesus Christ and Santa Claus. You might think this supposedly-tolerant guy is a wee bit intolerant.
You’d be right.
But remember that in these flaming polemics I write, I make some pretty broad generalizations. I also try to come up with code words to describe the people I’m really talking about. It’s “hypoChristians”, not “Christians”. “Repugnicans” not “Republicans”. “Neocons” not “Conservatives”.
I do that because I know plenty of Christians, Republicans, and Conservatives whom I respect a great deal. They’re thoughtful, tolerant, logical people whose point of view differs from mine. I listen to their points and sometimes change my position a bit, and they listen to me and rethink things. It’s a beautiful thing, this open-minded democracy.
So when I go on a rant about the spoiled loud obnoxious rude obese undereducated lazy video game junkies that are our future, rest assured that I’m talking about other people’s kids. I love your kids. I dig being the crazy uncle/cousin/friend of the family. I like bringing them a Red Bull, some chocolate, a noisy toy, and something that makes a huge mess, playing with them for an hour, and then giving them back to you. You don’t get that kind of luxury when they’re your own kids.
And when I talk about the hypoChristians, I’m talking about the literalist prude censoring anti-gay anti-woman theocratic puritanical shockmongers who wear diamond-studded iconic Roman torture devices in reverence of a poor Jew carpenter who was executed two millennia ago for protecting the weak, healing the sick, and defending the poor.
(I’ve always wondered: if Jesus came back, wouldn’t the sight of all those big empty crosses freak him out? Like if Marie Antoinette came back to life and saw everyone wearing guillotine necklaces.)
Most of the Christians I know are wonderful people. They mind their own business (you know, that whole “judge not…” idea) and aren’t boastful or proud of their religiosity. They join a church for a sense of community, they espouse an ideal of love, compassion, caring, helping, and sharing. Kinda like the Boy Scouts with better clothes.
It’s all wonderful stuff, and when you talk about with me on a philosophical / ethical / moral / spiritual level, we can groove. Back in my Army Band days, there was a theology student in the band who played sax. We had fantastic conversations because he could discuss these concepts without quoting scripture. I want to know what you think, not what some book says, or worse, what you think it says.
Where you lose me is when you start taking the Bible literally. If you read the Bible literally, you are missing the point. What’s with all the superhero powers and magical occurrences (you call them miracles)? Do you really believe that a woman was turned into a pillar of salt, a man lived in the belly of a whale, one wooden boat could hold two of every creature, water can be transmuted into wine, or that God speaks to humans by means of flaming shrubbery?
My main problem with religion is its use as a tool of brainwashing and mass control. When I see the devastation caused by warring factions of Protestants and Catholics, Jews and Palestinians, Sunni and Shiite, I wonder just which God of love and benevolence they might be worshipping. It seems to me it’s really just a competition: who can get more people to join their “God Club”. “My God’s bigger than your God!” “Oh, yeah, well my God can kick your God’s ass!” Really, that’s the way it sounds to me.
My secondary problem with religion is when those who believe fervently in religion feel this need that all the rest of us should believe it too. Look, you really don’t need to go door-to-door spreading the word of Jesus. Gutenberg invented the printing press in the 1600’s, and since then we’ve all heard about Jesus. Besides, everything I read about Jesus promoted a private relationship with God.
In my opinion, Christians are best seen and not heard. If you are a good Christian, I should know it by the way you act and treat the lowest among us, not by some gaudy jewelry or an ancient book you carry around.
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